Decisions, the battle within.

Some people make stupid decisions.
Some people make quick decisions.
Some people struggle to make decisions.

I am a struggler. Not sure why. I like to blame it on my Mom. She trained me to look carefully at BOTH sides of the fence. She helped me to see that there are always good reasons on BOTH sides.

Some people would say that difficulty in decision making is due to the fear of making the wrong decision. I suppose that's always true to some extent. But I struggle on even simple decisions like which color of stockpot to buy. Now there's not really any reason to fear that decision is there? No one will get hurt if I make the wrong decision. (unless I get so upset over the color that I throw the pot at someone.) Can there even be a right or wrong to that decision? OK. Some decisions are easy. I ruled out the orange-flame and kiwi green colors right away. That left Red, Blue, Black. Red is bold and fun, but will I tire of it? Does it trap me into a color scheme everytime I want to use it? Blue. Blue would look great in my kitchen....but what if I change my kitchen decor, would it still look good? Which color would chili look better in? The red one. What about clam chowder? Oooh now the answer is definitely blue. What about the black? I know black is basic, and never goes out of style...but I am tired of black. Everything has been black for an entire decade....appliances, luggage, clothing. I like black, don't get me wrong, and I have plenty of black in my wardrobe, mostly cause it looks good on me, in contrast to my white hair, but black is boring.....but then, sometimes. boring is good. You don't get tired of boring as fast as you do bold. Which shirt am I most tired of? The plain black one or the polka dot one? Do you see how my mind works? I agonize over the stupidest things. Well, not so stupid, since this pot is going to cost me almost $200 (working in a gourmet kitchen shop is a bad influence on my tastes) and it should last me the rest of my life.

How should I get my hair cut? What should I make for dinner? Which photo of the family is the best shot? Life is full of decisions. You'd think by this age I'd have had the tiger by the tail....but by the end of the day I have spent so much energy making decisions that I wish I could delegate that responsibility to someone else...I'm "decisioned out" (is there such a word?)

A biggie that has been weighing on my mind for too long now....do I accept the invitation to be the speaker at an all day women's conference? After leaving all my ministries behind when we moved from Colorado, I asked God what kind of ministry I could do for Him here in Texas. It's been over two years, and I still haven't found an opening in anything yet that seems to match my abilities or passions.

I've always LOVED being a Sunday School teacher. I love being silly with the kids. I love teaching them something they don't know and having fun while doing it. I love their open honesty and excitement. Adults, well they are a whole different story. Reserved. Quiet. Masked. They already know too much, or at least think they do. Not a good idea to be silly. Must share something really profound. Speaker at a Ladies' conference. I tried it once, 12 years ago. Utter failure. I swore I would NEVER do that again. I Could. Not. Connect. I was Boring. I wanted to crawl into a hole and pull a rug over the top.

Feeling like wanting to crawl in a hole and pull a rug over the top... I remember another time I felt like that...Yeah. Like that time we did special music at our church in Florida. We'd practiced and practiced the week before. Got up there....Smile. Merle started playing the guitar intro. I started singing. THEN I realized that it was WAY too high for me...I am an alto. I looked at him with frightened eyes, stopped singing and said "that's not right!" OK. Start over. Intro. Start singing. Darn! That's STILL not right. I can't sing it that high! What is wrong? You won't believe this, but it actually happened one MORE time. By then, I no longer wanted to sing. I wanted to find the nearest exit. I wanted to die. I was thoroughly embarrassed. At that point he FINALLY realized he was playing it in the wrong key. I still don't know why he didn't realize that before he'd done it 3, count them, 3 times. And what's more, why I couldn't tell that he kept starting it in the same key, but, he finally changed the key. We sang. I don't remember much except wanting it to be over. I still remember which song it was, and that was 30 years ago. You'd think we'd never have sung that one again, but we did. We sang that same song a few years later in West Virginia at our church there. (Yep, WV.... We've moved around a lot.) Well, they knew we sang and they asked us to do special music. OK. Well, I have never sung to a less responsive audience. STONE FACES. No smiles. No toe tapping. Are they angry? They don't like us! No, it's worse that that, I think they HATE us. I want this to be over! Well, honestly, I think they were just in shock. We were later told that it was fine for us to sing, but to please use the piano, NOT the guitar next time. Guitars are for evening services, but are not formal enough for Sunday mornings. (Ok folks, remember this was 25 years ago!) We never sang a special on Sunday mornings again. We have to practice a song 300 times and change the key several times to find the right one to fit our voices. What accompaniest would be willing to do that? But the youth...they remembered it. We were heroes. We had dared to play the guitar. Honestly, we were never the rebel type. We would have just refrained from singing. Those stone faces. They were just afraid to let anyone know they were enjoying it I guess. That's exactly the way it felt when I taught at that ladies conference years ago. Stone faces.

But, I digress. Back to the decision at hand. To teach or not to teach. That is the question. I KNOW that God will give me HIS words if (but that is a much bigger word...IF) that is what He wants for me to do. Moses said "But I don't speak well, Lord." God said "I will put the words in your mouth." Moses didn't believe him, so Aaron got the job. I believe He can.... He would IF. See, at least Moses knew for sure what God was calling him to do.

At church on Sunday Pastor Dave's sermon was on using your spiritual gifts to edify the body. He said to just DIVE IN and try something. Then you'll find out if it's the right place for you. If you find FULFILMENT. If you find FRUITFULNESS. Then that is the right place for you. If not, try something different. Well, I tried it 12 years ago. I did NOT find FULFILMENT or FRUITFULNESS. So does that mean I should smile and say, sorry, I think you've got the wrong person? I tried that once. I did not find fulfilment in teaching adults. Or is that being like Moses, and saying, Nope. Sorry LORD. Can't do that. Nope, not even with your help. Is once enough to establish whether or not you are God-gifted in that area? Do you try again, or move on? If we had stopped singing after one horrible experience, we would have denied ourselves the blessings of music over the years. So, maybe once isn't enough to throw in the towel? Do I risk the embarrasment again, knowing I will cringe everytime I remember it?

Yes, I did study and prepare last time. Yes I did pray that I would speak His words last time. Looking back I don't know what I could have changed. I cringe. How did I get in the way of God's message last time? I don't know.

Lord. I am asking you to show me clearly if YOU are calling me to do this ministry. If you want me to do this, I am asking for a message that I am passionate about. And I am asking you to help me make a connection with these ladies so that YOU can touch their hearts.


EPILOGUE:
I FINALLY decided that I would go ahead and teach at the retreat, but before I called to tell my friend, she called me to say that the event had been postponed indefinitely and they were pursuing another option. (They set up a booth at the Govenor's Womens' Conference)